Science is everything we understand well enough to explain to a computer

Science is everything we understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else. - David Knuth
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
Air bags: Inflation we can live with.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
Anarchy is better than no government at all.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
Long periods of drought are always followed by rain.
Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
We come to love not by finding the perfect person but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly!
"Iguana: The other green meat."
"Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer."
"My mind has always been my Achilles heel"
Insane: When you're nuts and it bothers you. (Crazy is when you're nuts and you like it).
"You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice."
"Some day my ship will come in, but with my luck, I'll be at the airport"
"If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing."
Cooking lesson #1: don't fry bacon in the nude.
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve immortality by not dying." - Woody Allen Black holes suck.
The big thing today is computer dating. If you don't know how to run a computer it really dates you.
All beds in movies have special L-shaped cover sheets. They reach armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
The wages of sin are eternal damnation. The hours are pretty good though...
9 out of 10 doctors say the 10th should just mellow out.
I never knew my father was an alcoholic until he came home sober that one night...
"We'd like to say thank you on behalf of the group and ourselves, and we hope we passed the audition." - John Lennon (at the taping of the 'Let it Be' album, 1969)
Love is Hate. War is Peace. Windows is Stable.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can add 5 lbs to your hips.
Mr Spock: "about these aliens you've detected. Which sort are they? Do I have to fall in love with their leader, or can we just go ahead and load up the photon torpedoes?"
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
"I'm not sure who he is, but I get the feeling he's got his hand in a lot of things." - Kermit The Frog speaking about Jim Henson.
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?
A red sign on the door of a physics professor: "If this sign is blue, you're going too fast."
"The next time we elect a president, for God's sake can we do a background check?" David Letterman
If you and your friend are being chased by a grizzly bear, don't worry about out-running the bear, just worry about out-running your friend.
"Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can. All of them make me laugh." - W.H. Auden
The wages of sin are eternal damnation. The hours are pretty good though...
We child-proofed our home 3 years ago and they're STILL getting in!
"In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is something fascinating about science, one gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact." - Mark Twain
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But put him in a car and the first thing he does is stick his head out the window.
Work is the greatest thing in the world, so make sure you save some for tomorrow.
Sure, a woman can fake an orgasm, but it takes a man to fake a whole relationship.
I tried to wrestle my demons once... but they used too many illegal holds.
They say kids brighten the home. That's because they never turn the damn lights off...
"If these pills don't stop the kleptomania," said the psychiatrist, "try and get me a nice video camera."
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
A ship was carrying a cargo of yo-yos, bound for San Francisco from Hong Kong. It was hit by a typhoon and sank twenty-three times.
If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, why do they keep abducting the dumbest people on earth?
Sorry I'm late, I'll leave early to make up for it.
Do you like strawberries or blueberries better? I just want to know what to put in your pancakes tomorrow morning...
"Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother... unicorn... penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible."
"It's all coming back to me now", said the blind man as he peed into the wind.
"My grandpa told me to remember two things in life. Look out for Number One, and remember your number" - Orville Cogswell
A tall weather-worn cowboy walked into the saloon and ordered a beer. The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed eyelids. No one spoke, but they all noticed that the stranger's hat was made of brown wrapping paper. Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were also made of paper. Truth be told, even his chaps, pants, and boots were paper, including the spurs. Of course he was quickly arrested for rustling...
"If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe." - Carl Sagan
"There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it." - Chinese Proverb.
A skeleton walked into a bar and asked for a beer and a mop.
The Lawyer's Creed: "A man is innocent until proven broke."
Sticks and stones may break my bones, and so would an 80 lb. carrot.
Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny yet measurable distane from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs. The tallest ones, anyway.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
As a little boy climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
Santanism: The belief that when you die your soul gets stuck in the chimney.
"Justice will only be achieved when those who are not injured by crime feel as indignant as those who are." - King Solomon
If they're psychic and I need them so much, why don't they just phone me?
Laziness: Resting before you get tired.
"A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time." When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment and replied, "The one I feed the most." (George Bernard Shaw)
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" "Hang on a sec," replied the doctor, "you'll just have to be a little patient"
Christmas is weird. It's the only time of year when we love to sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question has never worked in customer service.
"I had a college professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." - Jeff Stilson
"No, YOU suck" - the mean people.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
The great thing about living in a small town is when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." - Western Union internal memo, 1876.
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'
Hey! Quit hogging all the ugly!
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
All I want for Christmas is a box of Smurfs and a mallet.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
If Santa gets stuck in your chimney, just go up on your roof and pour a can of Santa Flush on it. That usually clears him out.
Respondez s'il vous plaid: Honk if you're Scottish.
Aloha Oy: Love, greetings and farewell from such a pain you should never know.
I've found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time.
Pschitt - A real-life german drink that doesn't sound too appetizing.
"Excuse me, is there an airport nearby large enough for a private jet to land?"
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, people take prozac to make it normal. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Rehab is for quitters. Projecting empaths - You gotta feel sorry for them.
The more you cry, the less you have to pee.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
"Never eat more than you can lift." - Miss Piggy
Category: Put-downs Her best friend once sent her a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said: "Wish you were here."
Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!
Federal Expresso: When you absolutely, positively have to stay up all night.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A morning without coffee is like something without something else.
Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
After the government takes enough to balance the budget, the taxpayer has the job of budgeting the balance. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me. - Ashleigh Brilliant
If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
By the time they are 65 years old, most Americans have watched more than nine years worth of television.
It's a little known fact that the Dark Ages were caused by unresolved Y1K issues.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Hmmm, neither did I...
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
To keep your kids safe: Love them at home, belt them in the car.
A fight to the death between zombies has a few inherent problems.
An eternity is very, very long, especially towards the end.
Mankind is divided into two classes: those who earn their living by the sweat of their brow, and those who sell them handkerchiefs, cold drinks, and electric fans.
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said, "how do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" A voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"
"Good morning sir, do you prefer Spanish, French or Italian cooking?" "Oh, I don't mind. I want a boiled egg."
"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602. 'If you look out of the windows on the side of the plane, you will observe that both engines are on fire. If you look out the windows on the other side you can see that the wing has fallen off. If you look towards the ocean you will see three people waving from a bright yellow lifeboat. That's me, the co-pilot and one of the stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"
You can fall down the stairs, you can fall from a tree. But the best way to fall is in love with me.
Umm, can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
"The value of life can be measured by how many times your soul has been deeply stirred..." - Soichiro Honda
A lady arrived in Vancouver, B.C. on a vacation, and as she steps off the plane, it's raining. The next day it's raining. In fact, the first week and then the second, it never stops raining. Finally she's walking down the street and she can't take it anymore. She asks a little girl nearby, "does it ALWAYS rain here?" The little girl replies, "how should I know, I'm only six!"
"It's not true that life is one damn thing after another. It's the same damn thing over and over." - Edna St. Vincent Milay
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
True Fact: If you open a curad bandaid in the dark that has the two adhesive strips on the sides of the wrapper the two adhesive strips will glow blue. oooooh!
"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis." - Jack Handy (Saturday Night Live)
"Men don't care what's on TV. They care about what else is on TV." - Jerry Seinfeld
Looking for enlightenment is like looking for a flashlight, when all you need the flashlight for is to find the flashlight.
Millions of sperm and YOU were the fastest?
"I figure if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job." - Roseanne
My imaginary friends as a kid dropped me cuz their friends thought I didn't exist.
Mankind is divided into two classes: those who earn their living by the sweat of their brow, and those who sell them handkerchiefs, cold drinks, and electric fans.
Next time wave all your fingers at me!
Government Warning: We are corrupt and have sold out to corporate interest. Do not listen to our advice.
Jesus saves. Satan invests.
The best car safety device? A rear-view mirror with a cop in it.
When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put 'u' and 'i' closer together.
Education is the best defense against the media.
It will be a great day when our schools have all the money they need and the Air Force has to hold a bake sale to buy a new bomber.
A good exercise for the heart is to bend down and help another up.
Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend. - Albert Camus
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
A Nobel Peace Prize? I would KILL for one of those.
I have an open mind - it's just closed for repairs.
I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
Of course I can keep secrets - it's the people I tell them to who can't keep them.
You're just jealous because the little voices only talk to me.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. - Andy Rooney
Some day my ship will come in, but with my luck, I'll be at the airport.
Of course I'm arrogant. The best usually are.
My karma ran over your dogma.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Marketer to coder: "You start coding, I'll go find out what they want."
If ignorance is bliss, I guess that would explain why I'm so miserable!
"Just say no!" prevents teenage pregnancy the way "Have a nice day." cures chronic depression.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.
We're having creative differences. I'm creative, you're different.
The babbling brook would lose its song if you removed the rocks.
A man spends the first half of his life learning habits that shorten the second half of his life.
Pain and suffering is inevitable but misery is optional.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
Bureaucracy is a challenge to be overcome by a righteous attitude, tolerance for stupidity and a bulldozer when necessary.
We've got the best government money can buy.
Think about that for awhile. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
The biggest liar you'll ever have to deal with probably watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.
Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live, taking the form of readiness to die. - G.K. Chesterton
If we find life on other planets, what would happen to the Miss Universe pageant?
Happiness is like peeing yourself. Everybody can see it but only you can feel its warmth.
If money is the root of all evil, why do churches want it so badly?
The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out. -George Carlin
Generally, a man has two reasons for doing something. One that sounds good, and a real one.
If you put your nose to the grindstone, you'll get a flat face.
If you start thinking you're a person of influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.
If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.
Education is what you get from reading the small print; experience is what you get from not reading it.
"Don't go to a doctor whose office plants have died." - Erma Bombeck
A person that learns from their mistakes is smart. A person that learns from other people's mistakes is smarter.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough. - Josh Billings
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Always remember to pillage before you burn.
Growl all day and you'll be dog tired at night.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
A life spent making mistakes is not only more honourable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. - George Bernard Shaw
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't.
Life is what you make of it, kind of like Play-Doh.
It begins when you sink into his arms and ends with your arms in the sink.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
Whoops! Sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If you're the low man on the totem pole, just remember that if it wasn't for you the damn thing would fall over.
You can name your own salary here - I like to call mine Fred.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Another month ends. All targets met. All systems working. All customers satisfied. All staff eagerly enthusiastic. All pigs fed and ready to fly.
There can't be a crisis today, my schedule is already full.
They can't fire me, slaves have to be sold.
Lay an egg if that's the best you can do.
War doesn't determine who's right but who's left.
Everyone wants a bus service to their door, but no one wants a bus service in their street.
Illegal drugs are the chlorine in the gene pool.
That place is so crowded, nobody goes there anymore.
What could be worse than having climbed the ladder of success, only to find it is against the wrong wall.
Absence makes the heart go wander.
The wheel is still spinning, but the hamster is dead.
I doubt therefore I might be.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Be alert - the world needs more lerts.
Analyzing humor is like analyzing a frog: you can do it, but the frog tends to die in the process.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
You say tomato, I say ketchup.
9 out of 10 doctors say the 10th doctor should mellow out.
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't, and a sense of humor to console him for what he is.
Above all else: Sky.
For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord.
A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.
Life can only be understood backwards but it must be lived forwards.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. A true friend is one who thinks you're a good egg even though you're half-cracked.
The Moral Majority is neither.
If you ate pasta and anti pasta, would you still be hungry?
"If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the Universe." - Carl Sagan
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." - Mark Twain
Civilization: Going from shoeless toes to toeless shoes.
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." -Ernest Hemingway You go on ahead, I'll see you at the next light.
When he came to the fountain of knowledge, he merely gargled.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Do not blame others for making you mad.
Anger is a choice. Choose wisely.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I drive by again?
I did an unbelievable amount of work in the yard. It's amazing what you can do when your wife puts your mind to it.
I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people that annoy me.
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy - When planets do it we say they are orbiting. He said he was dying of fast women, slow horses, crooked cards and straight whisky.
The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on forecasters.
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. -Tallulah Bankhead
If I knew I was going to get this old, I would have taken better care of myself when I was young.
Where did Webster look up the definitions when he wrote the dictionary?
If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.
It is better to keep your mouth shut and look like a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Character is taught at home, but not by a purple dinosaur or big yellow bird. - Jacob White
Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!
The only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.